26.11.10
Here are some cool riddles!
Answers: they were on different tracks, a towel, corn, a coffin, a sponge and you push in the cork so it is in the bottle and then shake out the coin.
- There were two trains heading right towards each other. they did not crash. How?
- What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
- What am I eating? I throw out the outside to cook the inside, then i eat the outside then throw out the inside.
- The man who invented this did not want it, The man who bought it does not need it, and the man who needs it does not know it. What is it?
- I am an object. I have holes in my top, bottom and all over me, but i still hold water. What am I?
- You put a coin in a bottle. then you but a cork in the top. how do you take the coin out, but without breaking the bottle and not taking the cork out?
Answers: they were on different tracks, a towel, corn, a coffin, a sponge and you push in the cork so it is in the bottle and then shake out the coin.
25.11.10
Hi! there is a new living race called the ALBOBBIBBLLI but they are identical to us! They are geniusses in mathematics but in general.... not very.
One such ALBOBBIBBILLI walked into a hair salon. ( just to tell you tellbreathe air) . She had earplugs from her ipod on. " I'd like to treat my hair then cut it," she said. So the hairdresser did and wondered how much to cut off. But the ALBOBBIBBILLI had fallen asleep. so she took of the earplugs and the ALBOBBIBBILLI threw herself onto the floor, gasping for air. well, she got to the hospital and survived but the hairdresser listened to the ipod.
"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in,................"
One such ALBOBBIBBILLI walked into a hair salon. ( just to tell you tellbreathe air) . She had earplugs from her ipod on. " I'd like to treat my hair then cut it," she said. So the hairdresser did and wondered how much to cut off. But the ALBOBBIBBILLI had fallen asleep. so she took of the earplugs and the ALBOBBIBBILLI threw herself onto the floor, gasping for air. well, she got to the hospital and survived but the hairdresser listened to the ipod.
"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in,................"
25/11/10
There was a boy who was called Bob and he had an Uncle called Sam. They liked to play in the sun. BUT, SADLY, THEY BOTH HAD MAD SUN DESIESE!!!.Once, they went in sunlight they would detoriorate. Are they alive or not alive now? This joke is based on if you have learnt English well to spot the difference.
Answer: They are not alive! Theyv are not ALIVE BECAUSE THE WORD LIKED IS IN IT AND IT IS PAST TENSE SO THAT MEANS THEY DIED AGES AGO!! LIKED IT? S.V
Answer: They are not alive! Theyv are not ALIVE BECAUSE THE WORD LIKED IS IN IT AND IT IS PAST TENSE SO THAT MEANS THEY DIED AGES AGO!! LIKED IT? S.V
22.11.10
There were three friends. There was a magical slide that if you slid down it, you can wish for anything you like and it will be in the pool below.
The first friend slid down and shouted, "GOLD!"
The second friend yelled, "SILVER!"
The third friend screamed, "WEEEEEE!"
(Get it?) (=l
There were also three friends that were abandoned on an island. They then found a magic lamp which contained a genie.
The first on wished to go home. The second did as well.
Then the third one wished, "I want my friends back!"
After that the two other friends never spoke the number three again!
C.Y
The first friend slid down and shouted, "GOLD!"
The second friend yelled, "SILVER!"
The third friend screamed, "WEEEEEE!"
(Get it?) (=l
There were also three friends that were abandoned on an island. They then found a magic lamp which contained a genie.
The first on wished to go home. The second did as well.
Then the third one wished, "I want my friends back!"
After that the two other friends never spoke the number three again!
C.Y
22.11.10
heres some joke and riddles you may like
whats small, round and green?
Who am I? I'm yellow, dumb and a drunk
Knock Knock
Who's There
iterupting cow
iterupting cow moo
answers will come
BC
whats small, round and green?
Who am I? I'm yellow, dumb and a drunk
Knock Knock
Who's There
iterupting cow
iterupting cow moo
answers will come
BC
8.11.10
Hope you enjoy the joke!
There was once a man named Bob. He works at MacDonald s. Well, he doesn't really earn much cleaning and he wanted a holiday in Hawaii. When he finally made enough money to go, well, he went. But he was not very brainy, he is not even average. when he arrived, clutching his return ticket, he realized he had no money to spend in Hawaii. Well, I might as well stay in a hotel and watch the view for three weeks, he thought. So he went to the first hotel ( Hawaii Dolphin Resort) and asked the lobby man for a free room. of course he said no. He went to the Hawaiian Royal Hotel, Whale Lodge, Seaside Haven Motel, The real Estate Agent, Sunny Beach Camping ground, Wavy Sea Houseboats, Palm tree Hotel, Coconut Cabin, Pacific Palace, The Dock life until there was one left. The most expensive one. Luxury life hotel. He asked the lobby man for a room. it was very unlikely because all their rooms were five star. Surprisingly, he said yes.
" But you won't like it there," he said with a smile, handing him the key.
" What!? I love it here already!" He answered.
he ran up to his room and unlocked the door, went in, locked the door and he found.... Another door. He tried to open it but it was locked. He unlocked the first door went out then locked the door, ran down the stairs and said to the lobby man, " there's another door!" the lobby man told him to draw a circle on the door. So Bob ran up the the stairs, unlocked the door, went in, locked the door, drew a circle on the door to unlock it, went in, drew a circle to lock it (he likes privacy) turned around and...
There was another door!
So he drew a circle on the door, went out, drew a circle on the door to lock it, unlocked the other door went out and locked it again. then he flew down the stairs and asked the lobby man, "what about the third door?"
The lobby man said, " you say, peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread,"
So Bob went up the stairs, unlocked the door, went in, locked the door, drew a circle, went in, drew the circle again said peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread, went in, said peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread and found himself facing.....
No, it is not a door it is a giant spiral staircase.
he went up the stairs and found himself facing...
Yes it is a elaborate room with five star quality. but there was a BIG BLUE MONSTER in the corner. Perfect!
After two weeks, he was very curious of the snoring blue monster and wonder if he would just touch it. So he did. And the monster woke up... Bob dashed down the staircase, did all of the stuff, locking the doors as he went, but the monster just crashed through them. he ran to the sea and tried to aswin without a floatie. the monster was gaining on him. he leaped onto a boat, dodged a surfboard, got tangled up in seaweed and the blue monster was right behind him. he could see the sharp teeth in his wide smiling mouth. his large jagged claws which would shread him into an appetizing steak. the big blue monster put a paw on his shoulder.
"Tag, your it"
There was once a man named Bob. He works at MacDonald s. Well, he doesn't really earn much cleaning and he wanted a holiday in Hawaii. When he finally made enough money to go, well, he went. But he was not very brainy, he is not even average. when he arrived, clutching his return ticket, he realized he had no money to spend in Hawaii. Well, I might as well stay in a hotel and watch the view for three weeks, he thought. So he went to the first hotel ( Hawaii Dolphin Resort) and asked the lobby man for a free room. of course he said no. He went to the Hawaiian Royal Hotel, Whale Lodge, Seaside Haven Motel, The real Estate Agent, Sunny Beach Camping ground, Wavy Sea Houseboats, Palm tree Hotel, Coconut Cabin, Pacific Palace, The Dock life until there was one left. The most expensive one. Luxury life hotel. He asked the lobby man for a room. it was very unlikely because all their rooms were five star. Surprisingly, he said yes.
" But you won't like it there," he said with a smile, handing him the key.
" What!? I love it here already!" He answered.
he ran up to his room and unlocked the door, went in, locked the door and he found.... Another door. He tried to open it but it was locked. He unlocked the first door went out then locked the door, ran down the stairs and said to the lobby man, " there's another door!" the lobby man told him to draw a circle on the door. So Bob ran up the the stairs, unlocked the door, went in, locked the door, drew a circle on the door to unlock it, went in, drew a circle to lock it (he likes privacy) turned around and...
There was another door!
So he drew a circle on the door, went out, drew a circle on the door to lock it, unlocked the other door went out and locked it again. then he flew down the stairs and asked the lobby man, "what about the third door?"
The lobby man said, " you say, peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread,"
So Bob went up the stairs, unlocked the door, went in, locked the door, drew a circle, went in, drew the circle again said peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread, went in, said peanut jelly and butter airplane fairy bread and found himself facing.....
No, it is not a door it is a giant spiral staircase.
he went up the stairs and found himself facing...
Yes it is a elaborate room with five star quality. but there was a BIG BLUE MONSTER in the corner. Perfect!
After two weeks, he was very curious of the snoring blue monster and wonder if he would just touch it. So he did. And the monster woke up... Bob dashed down the staircase, did all of the stuff, locking the doors as he went, but the monster just crashed through them. he ran to the sea and tried to aswin without a floatie. the monster was gaining on him. he leaped onto a boat, dodged a surfboard, got tangled up in seaweed and the blue monster was right behind him. he could see the sharp teeth in his wide smiling mouth. his large jagged claws which would shread him into an appetizing steak. the big blue monster put a paw on his shoulder.
"Tag, your it"
25.10.10
Please add MORE JOKES- S.V
The funny show jokes (By Gary Gaggs in the Duncan Ball book- Selby's Selection)
A woman was in an art gallery. She said to the guard, "What a hideous portrait! How could they hang such an ugly painting?!" The guard said, "Excuse me madam, but that's a mirror." You get it!!!!!
I used to have an alarm clock but I threw it away because it kept going off when I was asleep.
A baby astronaut wouldn't go to sleep. His mother had to put him in a bed and (rock it.)
Hope you enjoyed the jokes. There are still dozens more in the book. You can read it in the same book. S.V
I used to have an alarm clock but I threw it away because it kept going off when I was asleep.
A baby astronaut wouldn't go to sleep. His mother had to put him in a bed and (rock it.)
Hope you enjoyed the jokes. There are still dozens more in the book. You can read it in the same book. S.V
What is in the centre of America?
The letter "R".
A.V.H
The letter "R".
A.V.H
What did the spider say to the beetle?
"Stop bugging me!!"
What happens if a frog parks on the double yellow line?
It gets 'toad'(towed) away by the rangers.
A teacher was taking a class for a walk in the woods when they saw a old gum tree.
"Now Jamie,"said the teacher,"What do you call the outside of a tree?"
"I don't know,"replied Jamie.
"Bark, you silly boy!"said the teacher,"Bark!"
"Oh all right then,"said Jamie,"Woof,woof!"
A woman was sitting in a bus next to a young girl.The girl turned to the woman and said,"What's the difference between a rhinoceros,a lemon and a tube of glue?"
"I don't know."said the woman.
"You can squeeze a lemon but you can't squeeze a rhinoceros,"replied the girl.
"What about the tube of glue?"the woman asked.
"I thought that's where you got stuck!!"laughed the girl.
Did you enjoy it? I got that from my last year's homework.. C.P
Riddle
1.There was a man, locked up in a room. There were 2 computers and 2 exits.One of the computer tells only the truth and other will only tell lies. If you go out by one of the 2 exit,you will live,but when you go to the other exit, you will die. You can ask one of the computer only one question, and you don't know which one tells the truth or lie.What question should you ask so you can live?
Answer:
What answer would the other computer give when I ask it,"How do I get out?"
It's because when you ask the truthful computer, it will say the truth about what other computer will say so it will repeat what the lying one will say which will be definitely wrong.Then you go to opposite side of the exit where the computer is saying.
Same to the lying one, it will say lie about what the truthful one will say. Which means it will tell a lie, so go to the opposite direction where it's pointing. Then you will live.
2. If 100 people step in to a submarine, it will sink. What happens if 101 people step in?
Answer:
Submarines always sink!
3.Don't repeat!
You're the bus driver,in your bus,5 people go in, 3 people come out,20 people go in,10 come out 31 go in, 23 comes out and 13 people go in again. What is the bus driver's name?
Answer:
Your name because I said you're the bus driver!
4.2 dads and 2 sons came into a shop. They each buy something that's $1.50 each, but the shopkeeper only takes $4.50. How can that happen?
Answer:
There was only 3 people in the shop. One of the dad can be a grand father, another dad can be grandfather's son which makes that dad both son and a dad and the other son is the real young son who doesn't have any sons.
Riddles by C.P
FUNNIEST JOKES BY BK
1. Q. How do cats exercise?
A. They do puss-ups!
2. Q. Why did the man run around his bed?
A. To catch up on his sleep?
3. Q. Why are pirates pirates?
A. Because they ARRGGGHHHH!
4. Why did the hankie start dancing like crazy?
A. It was full of boogies!
5. Q. What are cammels with three humps called?
A. Humprhey!
1. Q. How do cats exercise?
A. They do puss-ups!
2. Q. Why did the man run around his bed?
A. To catch up on his sleep?
3. Q. Why are pirates pirates?
A. Because they ARRGGGHHHH!
4. Why did the hankie start dancing like crazy?
A. It was full of boogies!
5. Q. What are cammels with three humps called?
A. Humprhey!
Funny Jokes
Here are some funny jokes I found. I hope you laugh.
1.When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
2.A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
'3.A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Did you laugh? I did, while I wrote all this and so did my mum.
A.S
1.When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
2.A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
'3.A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Did you laugh? I did, while I wrote all this and so did my mum.
A.S
Q.Why did the man freeze his money?
A. He wanted cold hard cash.
Q. What do you call an elephant with bananas in its ears?
A. Anything you want - it can't hear you.
Q. Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?
A. He was looking for Pooh.
Brought to you by B.C.
A. He wanted cold hard cash.
Q. What do you call an elephant with bananas in its ears?
A. Anything you want - it can't hear you.
Q. Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?
A. He was looking for Pooh.
Brought to you by B.C.
JOKES
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who poos on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of poo is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut! A funny joke(on the internet)Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed.
A policemen pulled them over and explained that driving slowly could be very dangerous. The driver pointed to a 30 sign on the side of the road. He explained that was why he was going 30 mph because of the sign. The policemen pointed out that the 30 sign was indicating Highway 30. The professor apologized and said that next time he wouldn't do it again. When the police was walking back to his car he noticed the other two professors on the floor looking scared to death. He asked the driver"What's with them two?" The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 200." did you like it? E.D |
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks... Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing... What did cured ham actually have? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? AP |
JOKES
Q: Why did the teacher wear dark glasses?
A: Because the class was so bright.
Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.
Q: Why did the bowling pins lay down?
A: Because they were on strike.
Q:Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
A: Because he wanted to have a balanced meal.
Q: What do farmers use to count their cows?
A: A cow-culator
By K.D
Church Bloopers
There were two church pastors, one of them holding up a sign. It read: THE END IS NEAR, TURN BACK BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. A car stopped and the driver told the pastors to shut up. The driver drove through a bend until he was not seen. Suddenly there was a screech of tyres and a following splash. The empty-handed pastor said,"Maybe we should have written BRIDGE OUT?"
A toddler was reading the bible with his mother. He found two leaves squashed between the pages of the bible. "What have you found son?" said his mother. To her astonishment he shouted,"I found Adam and Eve's clothes!"
I found these jokes in a calender sort of thing C.O
A toddler was reading the bible with his mother. He found two leaves squashed between the pages of the bible. "What have you found son?" said his mother. To her astonishment he shouted,"I found Adam and Eve's clothes!"
I found these jokes in a calender sort of thing C.O
Something's a little fishy.........
Q. A boy bought two fish from the market. When he opened the bag of fish at home, there were three fish. How is this possible?
A. He had two flounders and one smelt!
Q. Which fish can perform operations?
A. A Surgeon Tang (looks like Dory)
Q. Where do poor fish go?
A. to the prawn broker!
Q. What do you call a drunk fish?
A. A Beer-a-cuda
Q. Why did the Whale cross the road?
A. To get to the other tide!
Q. Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
A. Because within five hours they can train a person to feed them!
Q. What do you call an aggressive fish?
A. Jack the nipper!
Q. Which part of a fish weighs the most?
A. The scales!
Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. They live in schools!
If you give a man a fish, they will eat all day. If you teach a man how to fish, they sit and drink beer all day.
these are jokes,mostly from the internet C.O
A. He had two flounders and one smelt!
Q. Which fish can perform operations?
A. A Surgeon Tang (looks like Dory)
Q. Where do poor fish go?
A. to the prawn broker!
Q. What do you call a drunk fish?
A. A Beer-a-cuda
Q. Why did the Whale cross the road?
A. To get to the other tide!
Q. Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
A. Because within five hours they can train a person to feed them!
Q. What do you call an aggressive fish?
A. Jack the nipper!
Q. Which part of a fish weighs the most?
A. The scales!
Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. They live in schools!
If you give a man a fish, they will eat all day. If you teach a man how to fish, they sit and drink beer all day.
these are jokes,mostly from the internet C.O
Q. Why did the one handed man cross the road?
A. To go to the second hand shop
Hope you like it.S.C
A. To go to the second hand shop
Hope you like it.S.C
Brainteasers
Q. What are tree mistake in this sentence?
A. 1. tree is supposed to be three 2. mistake should have a s on the end 3. there is no third mistake
Q. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks and has a bed but never sleeps?
A. A river
Q. When is four half of five?
A. When it's a Roman Numeral: F(IV)E
Q. What is as light as a feather but not even the strongest man can hold it more than a few minutes?
A. His breath
Hope you enjoy these brain teasers! C.O
A. 1. tree is supposed to be three 2. mistake should have a s on the end 3. there is no third mistake
Q. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks and has a bed but never sleeps?
A. A river
Q. When is four half of five?
A. When it's a Roman Numeral: F(IV)E
Q. What is as light as a feather but not even the strongest man can hold it more than a few minutes?
A. His breath
Hope you enjoy these brain teasers! C.O
Some Jokes from Great Book of Riddles & Jokes
What kind of shot makes cars go?
A fuel injection.
Why don't many elephants go to college?
Because so few graduate from high school.
Vegetable Love Story
Do you carrot all for me?
You are my currant love.
My heart beets for you.
I'm melon-choly all the thyme when I don't see you.
With your turnip nose, your radish hair and your cherry smile.
You're a real peach.
My celery may be tiny,
But weed make such a pear,
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry soon.
No sage would interfere
I hope you had a little giggle while reading this.
D.S
A fuel injection.
Why don't many elephants go to college?
Because so few graduate from high school.
Vegetable Love Story
Do you carrot all for me?
You are my currant love.
My heart beets for you.
I'm melon-choly all the thyme when I don't see you.
With your turnip nose, your radish hair and your cherry smile.
You're a real peach.
My celery may be tiny,
But weed make such a pear,
If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry soon.
No sage would interfere
I hope you had a little giggle while reading this.
D.S
Al lawyer's question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Hope you like these jokes :) A.H
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Hope you like these jokes :) A.H
Three brothers were having a conversation about what they got their mother for her birthday. "I bought her a mansion.", said the first brother. "I bought her a brand new car.", said the second. Then the third said, "You know how she likes to read the Bible? Well I bought her a parrot that has the whole thing memorised, all she has to do is say the chapter she wants to read and the parrot will say it for her." A few days later they each received a letter from their mother. the first read: 'The mansion is nice, but since I live by myself, I feel lonely in this big, empty space.' The second read: 'The car is very nice but, I do not drive anywhere often, so I will not be using it much.' The third read: 'Thankyou, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was simply delicious!'
Hope you liked it! M.P
Hope you liked it! M.P
Is Windows a Virus No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Computer Quotes What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
New Viruses on the loose! Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Hope you liked the jokes! A.V.H
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Computer Quotes What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
New Viruses on the loose! Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Hope you liked the jokes! A.V.H
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The Alien and the jigsaw
What did the alien say to the jigsaw puzzle?
I come in peace and you come in pieces.
Hope you liked them K.D2
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The Alien and the jigsaw
What did the alien say to the jigsaw puzzle?
I come in peace and you come in pieces.
Hope you liked them K.D2
What goes up and does not come down?
Your Age!
How many seconds are there in a year?
12...2nd of January, 2nd of February...!
There is a blue house, a red house and a yellow house.
One day, all three houses caught on fire. The people in the houses all quickly called for the ambulance.
In the end, all the people were saved. Which of the houses survived?
Answer: None of them! They all called for the ambulance, but not the fire brigade.
There were these three people. One was named John (the smartest), the other Derrick (second smartest) and the dumbest one was called Luke. They all died just then. They went up to heaven together and the stood in front of 100 steps. God was at the very top. He told them that on every step, he would tell a joke; if you laughed, then you were sent to hell. On the first step, John laughed and was sent to hell, on the nineth step, Derrick laughed. One the ninety-nineth step, Luke laughed. God asked him, "There was only one joke left, why did you give up and laugh?"
Luke replied,"That was my first joke."
The meaning is that Luke is so unclever that he didn't understand any of the other jokes that were told by God. The ninety-nineth joke was the first joke to Luke, because that was the first one he understood.
There were three people on a plane. One was Jake, another was Jo and the last was Jay. Suddenly, the pilot called out that the plane was over-weighted and could not hold any more. So, Jake threw down an empty cardboard box. The cardboard box hit a small boy on the head. A man walked past and asked him why he was crying. The boy told the man about what had happened and left. Jo threw down a leather bag which hit an old lady on the head. A kind woman walked past and asked if she was alright. the old lady said she was fine and left. Jay, who was a baddy, threw down a bomb, which landed on a building right next to two people. They were two boys running on the street. One of them was laughing. Ashopkeeper nearby asked why he was laighing so hard. The boy said, "My friend just farted and it blew up the whole building behind him!"
I hope you like those jokes! C.Z
Your Age!
How many seconds are there in a year?
12...2nd of January, 2nd of February...!
There is a blue house, a red house and a yellow house.
One day, all three houses caught on fire. The people in the houses all quickly called for the ambulance.
In the end, all the people were saved. Which of the houses survived?
Answer: None of them! They all called for the ambulance, but not the fire brigade.
There were these three people. One was named John (the smartest), the other Derrick (second smartest) and the dumbest one was called Luke. They all died just then. They went up to heaven together and the stood in front of 100 steps. God was at the very top. He told them that on every step, he would tell a joke; if you laughed, then you were sent to hell. On the first step, John laughed and was sent to hell, on the nineth step, Derrick laughed. One the ninety-nineth step, Luke laughed. God asked him, "There was only one joke left, why did you give up and laugh?"
Luke replied,"That was my first joke."
The meaning is that Luke is so unclever that he didn't understand any of the other jokes that were told by God. The ninety-nineth joke was the first joke to Luke, because that was the first one he understood.
There were three people on a plane. One was Jake, another was Jo and the last was Jay. Suddenly, the pilot called out that the plane was over-weighted and could not hold any more. So, Jake threw down an empty cardboard box. The cardboard box hit a small boy on the head. A man walked past and asked him why he was crying. The boy told the man about what had happened and left. Jo threw down a leather bag which hit an old lady on the head. A kind woman walked past and asked if she was alright. the old lady said she was fine and left. Jay, who was a baddy, threw down a bomb, which landed on a building right next to two people. They were two boys running on the street. One of them was laughing. Ashopkeeper nearby asked why he was laighing so hard. The boy said, "My friend just farted and it blew up the whole building behind him!"
I hope you like those jokes! C.Z
Computer Haiku
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/Haiku_Error_Messages.html
AP
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/Haiku_Error_Messages.html
AP
Really Funny Joke ( you have got to read this!!!)
This joke was originaly told on Sunrise.
There were three young men drinking in a bar. When the barman caught them drinking he called the police.
The three men ran outside and soon stumbled across an old barn. There were three sacks inside the barn. The men decided to hide in them.
When the police arrived they found out that the men had been to the old barn. They drove away and soon entered the barn.
One of the policeman whispered" I think they are in the sacks." The policeman kicked the first sack and the man inside it said "Meoww!"
Another policeman kicked the second sack and the man inside it said " Woof! Woof!"
The last policeman kicked the third sack and the man inside it said "Potato!"
Hope you liked it K.D.
P.S. When you get to the part where it says "Potato"you should say it like this: "Pot-at-o
A man was found dead on the sand but their were no marks. How did he die?
A: Because he jumped off a plane and he choked himself with his parchute.
This joke was originaly told on Sunrise.
There were three young men drinking in a bar. When the barman caught them drinking he called the police.
The three men ran outside and soon stumbled across an old barn. There were three sacks inside the barn. The men decided to hide in them.
When the police arrived they found out that the men had been to the old barn. They drove away and soon entered the barn.
One of the policeman whispered" I think they are in the sacks." The policeman kicked the first sack and the man inside it said "Meoww!"
Another policeman kicked the second sack and the man inside it said " Woof! Woof!"
The last policeman kicked the third sack and the man inside it said "Potato!"
Hope you liked it K.D.
P.S. When you get to the part where it says "Potato"you should say it like this: "Pot-at-o
A man was found dead on the sand but their were no marks. How did he die?
A: Because he jumped off a plane and he choked himself with his parchute.
The Joke (Jokes!)
The meaning of a joke is to make someone laugh OUT loud not to just make a giggle and say meaninglessly THE END. BORING!!! So that's why we make up jokes which are funny and laughing out loudly sort of way. Sometimes jokes can be different with some meanings which are really confusing and meaniningless in my opinion and I think in everyones opinion.
Presented to you by the pro skilly SORT of person- S.V!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Presented to you by the pro skilly SORT of person- S.V!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOKeS
A mother and a father are watching a baby stand up. the mother squeals in excitement:
baby: takes first step
Mother: oh look he's moving with the times
Father: yes darling (just as excited) he's just took his first step backwards!
baby: takes first step
Mother: oh look he's moving with the times
Father: yes darling (just as excited) he's just took his first step backwards!
hard riddles
Q.What do you call a man who doesn't have all his fingers on one hand?
Answer: normal
Q.peters mum has 3 daughters all 3 daughters have 1 brother, how many kids are there in all?
A. 4
QIt happens once in a minute, twice in a week and once in a year. What is it?
A. the letter E
Q.A man was driving a black truck. His lights were off. The moon was not out. How did he see the lady crossing the street
A. It was day time
Qthe cowgirl rode into town on Friday, stayed three days and left on Friday. How did she do it?
A. her horses name is Friday
Q. Some one at a party introduces you to your mum's only sister's husband's sister-in-law. What do you call this woman?
A. mum
Q. A girl called Sophie repeats every word she hears! However when her dad said dinner was at six she said nothing. Why?
A.She didn't hear
Q. A girl was born in 1960 she is alive and well today, but is only 12 yrs old! How is this possible
A. she was born in room 1960
hope you enjoyed these riddles K.F
Answer: normal
Q.peters mum has 3 daughters all 3 daughters have 1 brother, how many kids are there in all?
A. 4
QIt happens once in a minute, twice in a week and once in a year. What is it?
A. the letter E
Q.A man was driving a black truck. His lights were off. The moon was not out. How did he see the lady crossing the street
A. It was day time
Qthe cowgirl rode into town on Friday, stayed three days and left on Friday. How did she do it?
A. her horses name is Friday
Q. Some one at a party introduces you to your mum's only sister's husband's sister-in-law. What do you call this woman?
A. mum
Q. A girl called Sophie repeats every word she hears! However when her dad said dinner was at six she said nothing. Why?
A.She didn't hear
Q. A girl was born in 1960 she is alive and well today, but is only 12 yrs old! How is this possible
A. she was born in room 1960
hope you enjoyed these riddles K.F
- Why did the mushroom go to the party?
- Why was there a problem with puting the person who invented the hokey-pokey in his coffin?
By A.V.H (these jokes are from QI)
Here are some funny pictures from A.V.H.